The Big Guns
This week brings about a premier matchup, with the highest-scoring fantasy team in AldenLeague, Andy's Red Hots, taking on Fireseed, who at 6-1 is tied for the best record overall. To prepare for the immovable object taking on the unstoppable force, owners Andy and Todd take to the trash-talking arena to bring us up-to-date!T: So Andy, worst to first this year, at least in terms of points scored so far. What do you attribute it to - the fact that Adam finally decided to let someone else win the Sandridge Division for a change? Or was it more the pink-and-purple penis helmet you were sporting? I did notice that you're 0-1 after getting rid of the phalic logo ("phalic" means "penis-like" for Hartman, who we all know doesn't use big words).
A: I can't complain about the phallus as it did seem to bring me good luck but I'm not going to give it all the credit for my early season success. The biggest reason for my turnaround thus far has been the production from my mid-round draft picks. Percy Harvin and Ahmad Bradshaw have performed nicely, particularly in the wake of a few big injuries (Pierre Thomas, Jermichael Finley) and lack-luster play by two of my top picks (Cutler, Jonathan Stewart). Yet, despite being tops in points I'm 0-3 within the Sandridge division and it's going to be a tough road to the playoffs. Speaking of tough roads, how hard must it be to be the Ice Cold Bruschi's? They can't seem to catch a break.
T: Oh, you mean the "Team That's Doing Well With Every Player Who Has Ruined a Fireseed Season in Recent History But Now Decided To Start Playing"? Somehow my heart doesn't go out to them (although that IS a catchy new nickname for I.C.B. - here's wondering if it'll catch on league-wide). But anyhow Andy, let's look ahead to the reason we're getting together for this article this week: the Clash of the Titans! 6-1 Fireseed, (Tied for) the best record in the league, taking on Andy's Red Hots, who has the most points scored in the league. Sounds like a heckuva matchup on paper, but I've noticed that half your team is too scared to play this week. Is this going to be a competitive matchup, or is your team going to act like Puzan and be unable to get it up when it's time for some action?
A: If there is one thing about my team, we are a scrappy bunch. It's been a tricky year thus far for the Red Hots but we have remained competitive. My team this week on paper isn't the most talented roster but maybe this is the week that Jonathan Stewart earns his draft position or Michael Crabtree grabs two TDs. That's the beauty of fantasy football: you never know. Of course, my team does have a history of underperforming against Wojonowski's [sic]. I had agreed to do this article because I thought it would be fun to trash-talk but it's not really working out that way. Let's face it, if you don't win this week it'll be a disaster. I have a team of misfits going up against your roster of studs, I should lose by 50. I just hope you are prepared for the devastation come Tuesday morning.
T: Ahh the Red Hots way: cowardice until the end, with low expectations even among team management. I'm gonna break you like I broke Tony Romo last week, but at least you can try to be man enough to stand up and take it like a (ginger) man. So, let's play a game Andy. Without looking, tell me which of these QBs has the least fantasy points so far this season: Alex Smith (who sucks on a bad team), Shaun Hill (who didn't really play in Week 1), Ryan Fitzpatrick (who only played a few games), Mike Vick (only played a few games), Kevin Kolb (only played a few games), Jay Cutler (who had a 2-game span with a cumulative total of -9 fantasy points - including one injury week), or Brett Favre (who has played every single game for a team loaded with all-pro RBs and WRs). I'll give you a hint: This player has continued to be a starter on an AldenLeague team this entire season.
A: Well, I have to assume you are talking about Jay Cutler because this conversation is supposed to be about you and me. I could see it being Brett Favre and this was just a good opportunity for a potshot against your brother (if that is the case, well done). But I'm not concerned about Jay Cutler yet. He's been able to score big a few times and I'm pretty sure his concussion is mostly to blame for his lack of production in the last few weeks. I mean, look at his numbers before that first half against the Giants and look at them since... it's a pretty telling tale.
Regardless, I have the best QB in the league and that could be enough to win on it's own. Plus, Big Ben is in New Orleans this weekend and will be sitting around idly until Monday night giving him ample opportunity to, er, misbehave. (I picture him in a bathroom stall, going to town on some drunk chick and yelling "Who Dat" repeatedly.)
T: My my, let's add paranoia to the book on you, shall we? The worst of this group is actually Favre, but thanks for allowing me to inadvertently insult 2 people at the same time by pointing it out. I am curious, however, about how you're justifying Rodgers to be the best QB in the league. Is it by fantasy points? Because he trails Philip Rivers by 7 points. And let's not forget the REAL best QB in the league - Fireseed's own Peyton Manning - who trails Rodgers by 3 fantasy points but has played one whole game less because he's already had his bye week. What you have is a good QB - not the best. And he'll ultimately get shown up by his superior, who in all my brilliance, drafted over schmucks like Rodgers and Brees who were being unanimously ranked higher in all media publications (I actually got Manning after Corey took Brees, but I still had Manning ranked higher on the Fireseed Draft Board of Champions). And look: some players listen to heavy metal to get up for a game, some don't talk to anyone - mine fucks drunk chicks in the bathroom. Whatever it takes. I'm going to confirm your prediction of a stress-less 50 point victory, but I'll let you have the final word on this conversation now:
A: We'll know pretty soon where my team stands. Good luck and we'll see if the fantasy gods smile on the underdog today.
