AldenLeague Keeper Predictions
By: Ryan Hoffman
We’re getting close to
draft day, and with that, the deadline to declare keepers for this year’s
draft. And to honor the League’s 15th year, our esteemed Commissioner has
bestowed the honor of predicting this year’s keepers to yours truly. Can you
believe it!? I picked Lamar Miller in the 3rd round and then traded my 2nd
round pick, Matt Forte, to the future league champion for an over-the-hill
dumpster fire (a.k.a. Steven Jackson). I clearly don’t have any idea what the
fuck I’m doing, which clearly makes me the best choice. Like that stupid ass
camel who helped predict the World Cup, or Jessica Simpson filling out her NCAA
bracket based on the virility of the mascots... Anyway, let's get to it!
Most Murderous: Does anyone really care? He’s just
gonna spend the whole draft projecting his “masculinity” onto everyone else and
call Steve a fag because he speaks proper English (cut to Erick: “That be true”).
Plus, he has SO many options with how consistent and successful his team was
last year... Out of his five stellar choices, I think he’s gonna pass on taking
any keeper at all. But if I must make a prediction, I‘ll say EJ Manuel because
Erick can rest easy knowing he has at least one QB while he spends his first 4
rounds picking RBs.
C-Men: Perhaps the highlight of my 2013 season was
when I picked up Nick Foles and he dropped 7 TDs on my way to an amazing
victory (1 of 3 all year) versus Corey. Without a standout season in recent
memory, this could be the year for the C-Men. But which keeper will propel him
to victory? Danny Amendola in the 4th might be tempting given the upside, but
he’ll face the same injury concerns as last year. Alex Smith in the 11th could
be interesting. A consistent and solid backup for your QB2. But I think C-Men
is gonna roll the dice on Giovani Bernard in the 6th, who showed
promise last year and will surely get more reps in the Bengals offense.
L.A. Ninjas: There is enough talent here to pause for
consideration. Do you consider Ray Rice? I don’t think so. He’s in the
sweet spot at 27 but he’s gonna miss the first two games on suspension so that
hurts his first round value. I really like Wes Welker at round 3, but Demarco
Murray in round 5 could be nice as well. But keeper picks are all about value,
and I think Mike takes Aaron Dobson in the 15th Round. He’s probably a WR3 or
4, but the passing attack in NE should be much improved with Gronk back in the
mix and Amendola is sure to tear his groin at some point.
CheektoWojo: This is a no brainer in my opinion; Alshon
Jeffery in the 10th round. If he picks anyone else I’m going straight to Manlon
Terrace and punching him in the dick.
Dandy Lions: Uh oh... the big reveal. Pretty slim pickings
in this line-up. Maybe I go Vernon Davis in the 7th. Or maybe I set an Alden
League record and select Gostkowski as my keeper in the 14th round! I don’t
have the #s handy, but I’m pretty sure he scored more points than half my players
last year. Who knows!? I guess you’re gonna have to wait to find out..
Last Gay Samurai
(Fireseed): Considering The Last
Gay Samurai had the highest post-draft grade (A), I don’t know where to start
with all this talent! I’m sure Aaron Rodgers has crossed Todd’s mind. A top
rate QB with an ever-improving running game and pretty solid D. No one would
blame Todd for that choice. Morris in the 2nd is a no-go; there will be better
talent in the 2nd round at RB. Jackson will help keep the defense honest
instead of crowding the line, but Morris isn’t very impressive out of the
backfield and may not get the touches he needs to make him a 2nd round pick. To
me, there is only one choice for Todd and it’s Rueben Randle in the 13th round.
He had a solid 2013 performance at 6 TDs, 611 yds and with this year’s rule
change for return yards he has a pretty high upside for a 13th rounder.
Andy’s Red Hots: Andy has always had a hard-on for Buffalo
players, but sadly, he doesn’t have a keeper option on the Bills roster. With a
fair amount of talent to choose from I could easily miss on this prediction. My
first reaction was Anquan Boldin due to his break-out year last season, but
with Crabtree back in the mix he’s dropped in value and I’m not sure the 7th
round is a steal. He is tough as nails though, so he’ll be a consistent WR2
option all season and that has value. Maybe he goes Andre Johnson in the 3rd? But
that doesn’t peak my interest for some reason. At this point, my guess is Jimmy
Graham in the 4th because he will likely lead all TEs in fantasy scoring this
year. Plus, you’re only as good as the company you keep, and Brees is pretty
damn good company.
The Risen: When I look at Steve’s roster I see a lot of
players that would’ve been more exciting last year, but have been traded to
teams that don’t seem to me to have improved their fantasy value. Eric Decker
to the Jets, Jones to Oakland, and Richardson to Indy who had a forgettable
season and certainly doesn’t deserve a 2nd round pick. All in all, I think the
keeper pick is Cutler in the 8th round. Without last year’s injury he would’ve
had a pretty respectable season. If he can stay healthy he could have a great
year with Forte in the backfield and the double threat of Jeffrey and Marshall.
Ice Cold Bruschi’s: Sadly, I don’t see anyone on this roster that
is keeper worthy. Chris Johnson (3rd) and Frank Gore (4th) would have been more
enticing a couple years back but Gore is over the hill and fading while Johnson
joins a RBBC in NY and hasn’t seen a breakout season in 4 years or more. Marques
Colston and Hakeem Nicks sound good (maybe), but neither of them give me
confidence enough to make them keepers in the 5th and 6th respectively. I think
Dan goes carte blanche and makes a keeper-free run at the title this year.
Boys of Summer: Matt Ryan was a disappointment last year, but
if he bounces back he’s worth the consideration as a 10th pick keeper. Does
Justin take the chance? That could be a tough choice but looking past Vick in
the 3rd isn’t. I like Eddie Lacy, but not in the 4th round. I think Justin goes
with LeSean McCoy in the 2nd round after a killer 2013 season and no signs of
slowing down in that Chip Kelly offense. McCoy’s predicting a 2,000 yard season
and if he does, look out!
The Skyns: Is this the year Hoskyns wins it all? He’s
consistently at the top and there are quite a few names to consider. Â I’ll
start with Jacoby Jones who I like, but not as an 8th round pick. DeSean
Jackson could rise in Washington and make him a solid 6th round keeper, but I’m
on the fence. I love Russell Wilson as a player, but with the run-heavy offense
he doesn’t deserve an early 2nd round pick until Pete Carroll lets him unleash
his talent. I say pass on him this year. Even though DeSean could be a good
pick for the 6th, I’m gonna give the edge to Stafford as the 11th pick in the
draft and a solid keeper.
SynCity: I was tempted to give a serious analysis here,
but Synrod can go fuck himself with that AldenLeague trophy while he’s got it
before he gives it to Hoskyns who will likely make similar use of it. We all
know he won’t repeat this year, but if he wants a shot, he has to take Rivers
in the 14th round. I still don’t know how he slid all the way down to the 14th
round... oh wait, yes I do! He’s a fucking douchebag who is way too confident
for having shit for brains. Sounds like Synrod, doesn’t it? Which is exactly
why he’ll be picking Rivers in the 14th.
In closing, keep up your research and good luck on this year’s Draft.
