Week 11 Preview Because Hoskyns is Gay
Our Weekly Preview man has been too busy sucking off his Brazilian boyfriend in the gay-friendly confines of Los Angeles to make any weekly previews over the past 2 months after agreeing to take the job, so here we are with The Commish's overview of things.
It’s the final 3-week Divisional homestretch before the playoffs, and still, all things are possible. Co-league leaders Most Murderous and Ice Cold Bruschi’s (7-3) are only two games above 9th place Boys of Summer (5-5). Meanwhile, Syn City, despite being at 2-8, still has a chance to win their division and finish with the #3 seed overall. Week 11 is the first divisional rematch week of the season, so let’s break it down:
CRITTENDEN DIVISION
Situation: As it stands, if the season ended today, the Crits would be sending 3 teams to the playoffs. Most Murderous and Ice Cold Bruschi’s are tied in a battle for not only division supremacy, but a #1 playoff seeding in the entire league. The Skyns are leading the 5-5 pack in the middle of the standings with the most points, while Fireseed is two games back at 3-7, despite having the fewest points scored in the league.
Matchup 1: I.C.B. vs. The Skyns ( Last matchup: I.C.B. won by 13 in Week 7.)
Leonard’s I.C.B. has suffered the biggest setback of the past few weeks, as RB Ronnie Brown has been placed on Injured Reserve, ending his season. That leaves the team with Marshawn Lynch, and newly-signed Justin Forsett (RB-SEA for those who don’t know…I didn’t) to carry the RB load. This week the RBs have some tough matchups, but it could be the QBs leading the way, as Drew Brees takes on Tampa Bay, and Roethlisberger is in Kansas City, two teams hardly known for their tough defense. The Skyns, meanwhile, got a nice Thursday game out of DeAngelo Williams (21 pts), but their own QB stud – Peyton Manning – will get to look down the barrel at the Baltimore defense – quite a tougher task than his I.C.B counterparts. Look for the Skyns WRs to try to make up the difference, as Welker, Braylon Edwards, and Andre Johnson are a threesome with some powerful potential.
Matchup 2: Most Murderous vs. Fireseed (Last matchup: M.M. won by 5.5)
Things have been tough lately for Most Murderous. After a 6-game win streak to the start the season in which they looked invulnerable, they took on then-last place Fireseed in Week 7, but were forced to eke out a 5.5 win on Monday Night. Things got worse from there, as they dropped their next 3 games, to the L.A. Ninjas, CheektoWojo, and Andy’s Red Hots. This week’s schedule doesn’t give them that much help either, as their QB duo plays @ the Giants, and @ the Vikings. The strength of this team lies at its Rbs, however, as Ray Rice plays at home against Indy, and Jones-Drew plays against Buffalo, who as we all know has been soft against the run this season. Fireseed has won 2 of their last 3, including a 7.5 win against Los Petates Mexicanos last week on the strength of a 150-point game – their 2nd highest of the season. All eyes on are on the status of RB Cedric Benson, whose hip abductor injury could well keep him from a juicy matchup against Oakland. Luckily for the team, his injury coindiced with a Brian Westbrook injury, which inserts Fireseed RB LeSeaon McCoy into Philly’s starting lineup for a game at Chicago. Also of interest is QB Matthew Stafford – an inconsistent play at best – taking on Cleveland at home.
WESTWOOD DIVISION
Situation: C-Men lead the pack at 5-5, currently holding onto the #3 playoff seed that goes with the division leadership. Behind him in order are the L.A. Ninjas (also 5-5, and 112 points back), Boys of Summer (5-5, 11 points back of the Ninjas), and Syn City (2-8). That being said, if the season ended today, the Boys of Summer would actually become Division Champion based on their 2-1 Divisional Record, which is the first tie-breaker for the Division crown.
No further analysis of this division will be provided, as none of these ass-monkeys have proven that they’re even aware that the league has a website this season, and haven’t made enough of an effort on the message board to warrant efforts outlining the odds in their piss-poor division. 5-5…pptthh.
SANDRIDGE DIVISION
Situation: BountyHunters have maintained a high level of play all season long, and are sitting at the top of the division at 6-4. CheektoWojo shares their record, but sits about 100 points back, and matches the 2-1 divisional record. Next comes Los Petates Mexicanos at 5-5, and then Andy’s Red Hots at 4-6.
Matchup 1: BountyHunters vs Andy’s Red Hots (Last meeting: BountyHunters won by 40 in Week 7)
Last week, the C-Men snapped the BountyHunters’ 6-game win streak. Luckily for them, Carson Palmer gets a shot at redemption in Oakland, with stud RB Cedric Benson likely not playing. A pair of injury questions loom over the rest of the roster, as QB Kyle Orton may or may not play against the Chargers (Matt Schaub appears to be Option #2 vs. TEN), and RB Michael Turner is determined to play despite his seemingly dimming chances against the Giants (the only other RB option on this team is Jamal Lewis who plays in Detroit). The wild card here could be Randy Moss – we all know how Bill Bellicheck likes to spite the world after he loses. Meanwhile, the Red Hots’ ongoing weekly tough decisions at RB didn’t fare so well on Thursday night as Jonathan Stewart put in a 6.14-pt effort. Tim Hightower is getting the other start in St. Louis, with a trio of options on the bench, including Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. The hopes here are pinned on QBs Aaron Rodgers (vs. SF) and Jay Cutler (vs. PHI), some doable matchups for these on-again, off-again QBs.
Matchup 2: CheektoWojo vs. Los Petates Mexicanos (Last meeting: CheektoWojo won by 37)
It’s been a streaky season for the 2x-defending champs: 2 wins followed by 4 losses, followed by 4 wins. In the 4 losses, the team put up no more than 136 points. In the 4 wins? No less than 160. We will soon see if it’s a turned-around season, or inconsistency from the normally super-consistent franchise. This week Team Kick Returner should be pleased with 31.5 points from the Thursday night combo of Steve Smith (CAR) and Ted Ginn Jr. Jamaal Charles has put up good numbers in Larry Johnson’s stead, and he takes on the tough Pittsburgh defense. Meanwhile, Kurt Warner faces not only an easy Rams defense, but also the friendly confines of the dome in St. Louis, where he has had a few good games in his history. If CheektoWojo is streaky, then L.P.M. is ADD-erratic. They don’t have a single winning or losing streak of more than 2 games this season, and are coming off a 2-game losing skid to The Skyns and Fireseed. This week they look to turn it around behind a rebound effort of Joe Flacco against the Colts defense. The running back situation here is highly dependent upon committees, as Fred Jackson, Kevin Smith and Carnell Williams battle for touches in their respective offenses. Lurking on the bench is Eli Manning against the Falcons at home.
Next week: Big Hartman discusses rim-job technique, and playoff scenerios!
